Expressing my self.........

I know this probably isn't the most uplifting or encouraging subject material for a blog, but I really don't care. Tonight, I'm just expressing myself, predominately my feelings. So often I squash my feelings of pain, and don't let them out, for the sake of propriety and what other people will think.
Since we've moved, and life has settled down, things just keep popping up. You see I don't think I've ever truly dealt with the death of my brother. And now that I'm a parent, and realize the love that one has for their child, it makes it even more real to see what my parents went through. (I still have no idea to this day, how they do it!) I was looking through pictures tonight of when Charles was a baby, and I see how much Austin looks like him. I can't help but wonder why it all had to happen this way. Why my kids will never get to know their fun loving uncle? I have to admit there is a part of me that still wishes everything was the same, and that our family would still be complete. I just hate that feeling of being incomplete, at family get-togethers, etc.
For months now, I've been extremely homesick for Paradise. I think there is part of my subconscious that just wants to go back to the place, where everything was perfect, before we were all torn apart. I realize that I can't, but I can still remember how everything was before Charles died. There are so many things you wish you could tell that person, and when they are gone, you never have another opportunity.
I guess part of healing, is just letting yourself feel the pain. And for so long, I've just pushed it aside. I barely dealt with it during the first year, because 3-4 months later, I was pregnant, and then after I had Rebekah, my life became a whirlwind. For first time, in last five years, my life has finally slowed down enough for me to think about all of this stuff. And boy does it hurt! I'm surprised that the pain is so real, after so much time has passed.
Anyway, I guess this is the sum of my jumbled thoughts for tonight. Thanks for letting me open my heart and share my pain. I realize more and more, that God does give us ways to deal with different heartaches and joys of life. I think that writing is one of the ways, and is very good therapy. I know it will help me sort out my feelings and make sense out of it all. I will close for now, and gather my wads of toilet paper. (I even resorted to the kitchen towel to wipe my sore nose on!) It's amazing how much liquid is in a person that comes out in the form of tears!!! I know, I can't keep my sense of humor away for long. Actually, I'm just like my brother, because he had a sense of humor up until God whisked him away. (that's another story for later!) I'm just glad he left us with so many good memories. Good night to all, and to my little brother that now resides with our Heavenly Father, I will never stop missing you.